I am amazed at how common this very poor practice is. It’s actually amazing how many times I’ve done this myself. And I know why. In conflict, like for many situations in life, but especially in conflict, we take the path of least resistance.
What I’m talking about is the practice of writing emails and sending text messages at the very time that the only thing that will fix the relationship is face-to-face communication. Even a phone call is better than taking to the pen or shooting off a hasty text.
We are less bold and more accountable when we communicate face-to-face. We are less likely to even attempt saying something that will upset the other person. We are naturally more respectful in face-to-face communication because I suspect we fear instant reprisal.
Not wanting to hurt the other person is, deeper down, a vital self-protection mechanism.
When we speak face-to-face with someone we are in conflict with, we are also likely to be guarded and not say those things that we feel could also break the relationship.
This is a good thing in that some of the things we feel we simply cannot say mirror for the other person what they feel they cannot say.
The other person probably feels miffed too. This is okay because there are a few relationships, and perhaps none, where we are allowed — or where it would even be beneficial — to say exactly what’s on our minds.
We need to be protected from ourselves for some of the thoughts we have about others.
The value of respect in relationships highlights this very point. It would be better to not say everything on our mind if we know that there’s a guarantee the other person won’t say everything on their mind about us. Again, when all is said and done, we’re highly motivated to protect ourselves.
But I digress.
The number of people I’ve counselled who end up in all sorts of relationship problems because they have relied upon communicating their anger, fear and sadness in writing rather than face-to-face pinpoints the problem.
They are not just relying on a highly impersonal means of communication; they are relying on a formal communication style to communicate very volatile and highly emotional information.
I’m sure you’ve been in the situation where you have responded to something volatile by email. After about the 10th or 11th paragraph, when you’re just getting wound up, when you see more and more of what they did wrong, and more and more of what you did right, you go over it again. You tweak and fine tune it. Then you hit “send”.
For the briefest of moments, we experience self-justification, and we may bask in that glory for a few moments or an hour or two, or anxiety might begin to sink in; we wait until we get their response, or worse, we wait for a response that never comes!
If we get their response, it can be a case of a powder keg going off, or they may communicate how hurt they are, and depending on the situation we might realise then that we’ve gone overboard.
Either way, they will probably reply by email! See the chain of bad communication happening?
If we get no response, we may quickly deduce that we burned the only bridge behind us, and there is no way back when the pangs of regret start to impinge.
How much better would it have been to pick up the phone, or to walk across the street, or down the hallway, or drive across the city, to have a coffee and a chat? This kind of face-to-face communication is powerfully redemptive. This kind of communication communicates that the person we are in conflict with is more important than the issue itself — which should always be the case, as far as it depends on us.
In the world of conflict, it is too easy to burn the person because we’ve decided this is a hill we are to die on. It is such a foolish way to live.
Wouldn’t it be far better to at least attempt to come alongside the person in the hope we might reach a mutual understanding?
Going their way a little will test their motives. Going their way a little will reveal to us whether we’re dealing with a reasonable person or not.
But it takes real skill and authentically kind character to come face-to-face with another person we’re in conflict with. It takes humility, vulnerability, courage and wisdom, all based in a love that is prepared to trust and believe the best about the other, to make the move to heal the relationship and to deal with the disagreement at hand.
I want to ask you to be honest, because I think we are all guilty of this.
It is far easier to justify our own behaviour, even if it’s wrong, than it is to seek to understand the other person before we make a judgement.
Photo by Austin Distel on Unsplash
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