How your freeze response is used to manipulate you

I’m always amazed at just how subtle the dynamics of manipulation and abuse are.  To those who experience what I’m about to mention, this will make perfect sense.  For others, it may seem a bit of a stretch, but please believe me, manipulating the freeze response is a key tactic of those who would abuse.

Imagine you were at a party, and one person innocently suggests you do something where your instant felt response is “no!”  You want to say no, but you don’t feel in the moment you have either the words or the composure to respectfully decline.  In a perfect world, or in friendly social situations, you would be allowed more time to think, or you certainly wouldn’t be pressured into committing to a response. In a perfect world, people might discern you’re uncomfortable, and they would back off.

But, of course, we don’t live in a perfect world, and there are subtle manipulations in all kinds of social settings. My intent here is simply to pique your awareness.

Let’s take this above scenario one step further. Perhaps another person chimes in at this point while you’re still bewildered for what your tactful response will be.

Remember all along that there ought to be no pressure on us even to answer, because it’s OUR decision to make, not theirs.  But we often don’t feel this way; we want to accommodate the person and give their suggestion merit, even if it doesn’t feel right.  We’re concerned for treating people right.

When the other person chimes in, the manipulator, they add an additional layer of pressure, formed in the manipulation of kindness.  What I mean by this is, they suggest we do what has been suggested we do, but they do so in either a forceful or ridiculing manner.  They may even ridicule our freeze response.  “Like, why are you even pondering this... it’s a no-brainer [haha].”

See how subtle abuse can be?

They have no right to judge what we’re thinking.  They have no place doing it.  And not only is it pressure, it comes with the bonus agitation of belittling us.  All because we didn’t want to be rude to the first person.  Now we find ourselves socially embarrassed and pressured even more to comply with what we don’t want to do.  These are normal human forces used against us; we’re not just being “people pleasers.”

Of course, people can work in tandem to manipulate us, but the really good manipulators are champions of enlisting those who are both not manipulative and who are completely clueless to the fact they’re being used.

A good guide on manipulation is this: we would not want to offend a soul, and if we do, we ought to be quick to apologise for it.  Others, however, seem to exist to get one up on others.  All this comes from the heart.  Those who offend and don’t care that they have or deny they did anything wrong, without concern; these ones are showing us the fruit of their heart.

The only caveat to all this is about isolated incidents versus repeated behaviour.  Isolated incidents are instantly forgivable, but repeated patterns are a concern.

If we’re not for others, we’re against them.  Whenever we are not for others, we are for ourselves, and when we are for ourselves in this way, we will sin against others.

The truism of relationships in the mode of love is that we reach forward and are FOR others, just as they too reach forward to us and are FOR us.

Love breaks down the moment someone acts for their own good alone.

Photo by Alexander Sinn on Unsplash