10 signs a date is ready to marry

Recently I have been reminded of the importance of singles to get ready for the relationship they crave.

It’s always a catch-22, however.  The more a single person readies themselves for a possible relationship, the more their hope silently rises to despair when those hopes are crushed, when, for the umpteenth time, nothing comes of it.

So, instead of readying ourselves for the relationship that’s still a little over the horizon, we ready ourselves in more general terms by focusing on being a blessing to others, for that is what being a good partner is, in any event.

I spent three years as a single after my first marriage collapsed and, in many ways, it was the hardest time in my life.

These are 10 signs, from a counsellor’s perspective, that a prospective partner is ready for a relationship with you:

1.         They are their own person and don’t need you to complete them – they will allow you to be your own person, and even though you will be partners, you are free to come and go as you please.  This is more important in any relationship than most people think.  As a partner, you should never feel controlled.

2.         They have dealt with their baggage – meaning they’re not burdened by it to the degree that they and their baggage will be a burden to you.

3.         They are not addicted to anything – and if they have been, they have successfully been through a program of recovery, which also means they’re living a lifetime of recovery.  If someone is addicted to anything, that’s a red flag that you can never be first place in their life.

4.         Their existing relationships don’t feature a distinct toxic feel about them – we tend to become like those we associate with.  Do you want your safe world to implode simply by inviting chaos?  Those who seem on the surface to be lovely people can also in reality be very toxic.  It’s better to be single and at peace than be a partner to a narcissist.

5.         They don’t respond to conflict like a reptile – they’re neither enraged nor withdrawn when they find themselves in conflict.  They’re able to consistently respect others with whom they’re in conflict.  Don’t gloss over poorly handled conflict.

6.         They think of others to the point that they can go without their own needs being met – and not just through the romantic first few months of your relationship.  This means they have the capacity to love you.  Love is action, not so much a feeling.

7.         They get on okay with their ex-partner – this is however irrelevant if the ex is a sociopath or a psychopath.  We can tell a lot about another person by the way they treat their ex.  Imagine just for a moment that you too could be in that position years from now!  How do you imagine the present partner would treat you based on what you know of how they treat their ex now?

8.         Your loved ones, those you trust, have met them and they approve – this is important, because they will see things not so much through the rose-coloured glasses you’ll be tempted to see through.

9.         They feel safe – you don’t ever feel scared of them.  A big part of feeling safe is them being honest.  You should be able to unequivocally trust them.  Honesty and humility are everything in relationships.

10.      They’re responsible human beings capable of looking after themselves, you, and any dependents that rely on them.  Better still if they consider such duties of responsibility a joy.  

This is obviously not an exhaustive list.  What else would you add?

Photo by Jonathan J. Castellon on Unsplash