Assumptions of ownership in marriage kill intimacy and passion

A decade and a half ago, when my wife and I were married, there was a precious moment in the car as she arrived with her father, as he prepared to give her away to me.  Truth be told, as I look at our wedding video, that little scene of her interacting with her father speaks volumes.

It’s just a few moments, but the look of earnestness on both their faces is intriguing.  Sarah’s father is actually saying, “If ever you feel unsafe, you come back home.”  We’d courted for only eight months and there’s no question in my mind with the counselling I’ve done since that red flags may not always be seen in that time.  I so appreciate the relationship Sarah has with her Dad, but I also know that at times, when I’ve felt insecure, it’s also felt threatening to me.

One thing a lot of people will not consider, a thing that should always be considered, especially in marriage, is women are especially vulnerable.  This is not always just because there is a physical power imbalance.

I think generally speaking, men have their needs met much easier than women do.  Sex, for just one instance.  Men are “done” very quickly and very easily, typically speaking, whereas for most women, to be properly met, there is the need of time, intimacy, connection, real engagement.  A man can have his needs met without connecting emotionally at all.  But for many women it’s the opposite.  People can joke about it as much as they want, but the plain fact is what a woman needs—again; time, intimacy, connection, real engagement—is exactly what the marriage needs, whereas what the man needs isn’t necessarily good for the marriage.

Men may end up in their marriages thinking they’re giving everything required, but marriage is much more than bringing home the bacon.  Marriage requires more of a man than simply bringing resources into the home, though that was “the standard” in yesteryear.

The reason why I say the above is I’ve had seasons of life, certainly in my first marriage, where I thought I was doing everything I needed to do—I was a “good” husband, in other words, a “good enough” husband, a “pass mark” husband, a “51%” husband, a husband who was “ticking the boxes.”

What if a partner wants more than a token effort?  Marriage is and should always be about more than a token effort.  There ought to be great intentionality—as if it’s the most important focus of our lives.  “When two become one flesh.”

Because marriage is supposed to be the closest intimacy ever, it feels like a massive betrayal when we get anything less.  It’s one thing to not be getting along, so long as there’s effort and passion in it, but it’s an entirely different thing when there’s the ambivalence of just going through the motions.  Marriage just must be more than humdrum.

I think what’s at the bottom of this for men is an assumption of ownership in marriage, and if that’s true there’s little wonder that it kills intimacy and passion.  Ownership says, “I’ve got you now, I owe you nothing, and you exist for me and my pleasure, and I will give to you whatever I feel I wish to, usually according to my needs, not yours.”

Now that might be a harsh assessment, but I do see it in men, and all I’m saying is, as a humble man, can you assess yourself honestly against this criterion?  Are you a “good enough” husband?

Don’t react to these words, just simply ask yourself if you really exist to serve and truly love your wife in marriage and seek to meet her needs.  It’s not a bad thing to find yourself needing to improve.  It’s a great thing!  It means growth is ahead, and blessing for your wife and probably for your kids as well.  Your effort and intent needs to come from the heart, like you WANT to do it.

It takes a great deal of humility to read and digest these words, but if a person does, they stand to find something of more value than fine gold.

POSTSCRIPT – occasionally, there is a reversal in roles that needs to be catered for.  Anyone who behaves in an entitled way in a marriage-type of relationship is neglecting their partner.