Unheeded marriage warnings herald dire consequences

There are times and situations when a spouse, let’s say it’s the wife in heterosexual marriage, tries to reach her husband with an essential message, a message designed to save the marriage.

Perhaps she has tried a few times beforehand, perhaps she has tried many times, but to no avail.  There has been no regard given to her warnings.  Simply put, he has not listened.  He has not taken her or her warnings seriously.

The problem we have right here is there is a toxic dynamic that can’t be addressed.  One is trying to get through to the other, and that one is impenetrable.  He is engaged in the abuse of neglecting his marriage.

When a woman is in a situation like this, and her cries for help and for him to change are not listened to, and those warnings go unheeded, there is no choice for her but to escalate the matter.

Don’t worry, I’ve been in this exact situation.  For all husbands out there feeling a bit miffed that I’m even writing this, please know I’ve been in your position, and I have lost a marriage to it.  I know exactly what this is like.  I got it wrong, and I took the opportunity to learn from my mistake.  And I have nothing but empathy for the wife who is trying to get through, like my first wife tried, but despite her efforts, couldn’t or cannot get through.

If this is you in the present situation, you may be getting the final warnings, and you’re not being warned to be threatened; you’re being warned for the life and for the health of the marriage, because your wife would prefer you change than end it.  Truly she would.

Do you see the desperate plight your wife is in?

When one person tries valiantly for months if not years to get through and each time receives a brick wall.  There comes a time for a different plan.

I’ve been in the chair when a wife has come to me with her husband to end a marriage, and it has been my humble and terrible duty to report to the husband that it is gone, that I’ve been in his situation, and I know how terrifying that reality is.

In life we get warnings if we’re not on track.  If we do not heed those warnings, there are consequences.  This is simply adult life, and yet even children must bear the consequences of their actions if we’re committed to loving them well.

The role of a person learning too late of their plight is of responsibility, of suddenly realising and reconciling the cost of not listening, and owning it, however hard that is.

It’s never too late to make a fresh start, but the consequences will mean that fresh start will be in another relationship, and let’s hope that there is something learned along the way, so the next partner does not need to endure what the previous partner has.  

Taking our responsibility also means we ought to make amends for our neglect of the relationship, the biggest failing of which is to deny one’s wife the intimacy the marriage both needs and deserves.

If this sounds harsh, and I’m sure to some it will, please be assured that I know personally how terrifying that journey of loss is, but we must also understand the cost of not listening and heeding the warnings we were given.

In the case where the husband has been abusive through neglect, and there is such a thing—where he denied her of her intimacy and connection needs—rather than deny or deflect or defend/attack or disintegrate the partner’s reputation (this is commonly called gaslighting) he ought to simply face the situation from her viewpoint.  

With such lifegiving empathy, he will breathe life into the situation.  If he hasn’t understood her until now, now is his opportunity, even if the relationship is over.  This takes a lot of humility, not everyone is capable of it.

I know there are many in this situation who will refuse to face the truth, and who will go on the attack against their wife.  It’s basically the norm.  There is only death in that; not only for the marriage, but for the one who chooses attack over making amends.

But for the man reading this, please, go another way.  Go the way of seeking to serve that one you loved with a love you’ve previously failed to serve her with.

This is one reason why I love the Twelve Step program.  It’s because the focus is on being honest, taking responsibility, owning our failures, resisting resentment, and making amends.  Only through this modus operandi is there heart to forgive and be forgiven.

A life of making amends amid the consequences that must be accepted is the way to peace.  Peace for one and all because justice has been served.  It’s simply about doing the right thing.  Even though it might feel crazy to do this, it’s the only way to growth and life.