The sincerity of apology steeped in repentance

There are many elements of apology consisting of acknowledging the hurt, addressing everyone affected, admitting our part without saying if, but, or maybe, accepting the consequences, asking for forgiveness, and altering behaviour.

All of these, except the last one, can be done in one sincere moment.  The last one, however, requires a consistent effort over time.

Sincerity is always the biggest test when it comes to an apology.  Is it sincere enough?  Or perhaps we’re convinced how cut to the heart a person is, and their sincerity convinces us that they understand the level of depth of the wrong they have done.  Understanding is the key matter because these are matters of the heart.

The enormous caveat when it comes to apology is always, what motivates a person to apologise?  Is it for the benefit of the person apologising, or is it for the other person and the relationship?

The sincerity of an apology is steeped in repentance, mainly because repentance must stand the test of time, and a heart for change must endure.  There is no better test for sincerity than the test of time.  Sincerity can be faked in a moment, but faking it doesn’t stand up over time.

The standard for repentance isn’t always to be set by the person doing the repenting.  The person forgiving them ought to be given some role to assess the planned repentance.  Indeed, a good repentance probably presumes some level of the person repenting seeking feedback from the one who has been wronged, like, “I plan to make restitution by doing ‘this’, and I want to show you it won’t happen again by doing ‘that’.”  That takes significant humility on the part of the person repenting, and humility is a hallmark of someone who has the capacity to repent.  Not everyone has the humility to adequately repent.  Not everyone has the character for it.

It is comparatively easy to say sorry, but it is harder to say sorry without an if, but, or maybe to qualify the wrong.  “If you hadn’t have done that, I wouldn’t have done this... If you feel hurt... If you think I hurt you... I acknowledge I hurt you, but... Maybe if you don’t do this from now on, I won’t do that...”

It is comparatively easy to ask for forgiveness and yet not understand the wrong done or acknowledge the level of hurt and what it all really means.

In essence, a bad apology means the person apologising 
doesn’t learn what a good apology would teach them.

Understanding goes a long way to convince one heart that another heart gets it.  And when the heart understands the depth of hurt and the wrong done, that conviction mounts up in that heart and repentance is the next logical step.  But a person won’t get anywhere near committing to repentance if they don’t understand the depth of the hurt and the wrong done.

The sincerity of apology steeped in repentance is obvious from the vantage point of the change that has taken place in a person’s life.  You can see a deep learning has occurred, and that they have grown as an individual.

The change that has occurred means they have put steps into place that mean they won’t return to the behaviours that caused the hurt in the first place, or they’ve gone as far as they personally can to ensure a recurrence is unlikely, and if it were to happen what they would then do.  This signals growth in both personal and social awareness.

Repentance is the best evidence of an apology’s sincerity.