How coercion is used to control relationships through conflict

It astounds me how often people take control of relationships through the creation of conflict.  These people use coercion as a tactic, knowing full well there are people who don’t like conflict, who will submit in those situations, so the coercive one wins every time.

Entering conflict should not be something to avoid if we are relating with people who maintain their respect of the other person.  Conflict can be an opportunity to resolve matters, so everyone is heard and served.  And in feeling respected in conflict, trust grows.

But some people thrive on conflict and use it to their own advantage, especially with empathetic people who wish to get on with everyone.  These people coerce the fawn response out of would-be protagonists and control the relationship that way.  When a person cannot see the sense in fighting about the matter, they give in.  Most reasonable people behave this way.

See how coercion is used to control relationships through conflict?

Others create conflict through the opposite means, through withdrawing and waiting in an ambush, thereby creating anxiety in the other person, freezing them out.  Their heart says, “If I wait long enough, and stay withdrawn, it’ll rile them up eventually.”  The sociopath does this well.  When a person overreacts to the silence, they say, “Look, I did nothing,” all the while knowing it would only be a matter of time.

In an earlier article I said that one red flag to watch for in a new relationship is the status of the other person’s existing or previous relationships—does the conflict follow them, indicating they may be the common denominator?

Watch very well how they create conflict with others or do things that cause exasperation in the other person.  Watch for destructive traits and toxicity in their broken relationships, those that are apparently and always “the other person’s fault.”  Watch also that you don’t fall for the traps where they say, “we are special” or “it won’t be the same with us” or “you’re more mature,” which appears to be a compliment to you, but really implies they have superior maturity—it’s not them, it’s the rest of the world that’s the problem.  That’s a real red flag.

Some people—and the term “narcissist” comes to mind—are not suited to relationships. They cannot compromise and will not do their own hard heart work, but they DEMAND others do theirs, and usually through coercive control.

You can see that they almost thrive on exasperating those they’re in relationships with.  They bear little or no interest in respecting safe boundaries, and indeed, safe boundaries are a threat to the one who insists on control through coercive means.  It’s their way or the highway.  Conflict is their weapon and license to rule.

What’s most confusing about relationships with these people is they say one thing and act an entirely different way.  They say, “The last thing I want to do is upset you,” or “Don’t make me do this!”  All the while they seem to get some twisted schadenfreude joy out of watching you squirm.  In this way, they’re master gaslighters.

In conclusion, as the image above/below depicts, relationships are a long journey walking together.  Longevity is the biggest challenge to intimate relationships.  Longevity whereby neither party controls nor coerces the other.  Longevity where both seek and serve each other toward peace.

Those who incite an overreaction and seem to take some daft pleasure in upsetting people, making them nervous, or causing freeze, flight, fight, or fawn responses, take delight in being the one “in control,” and they take double delight in being in control of the relationship AND themselves.  These are marauders of souls.  They’re untrustworthy ‘friends’.  They covertly or overtly insist on having the upper hand.  In this way, we can see it’s their way or the highway.

People who are reasonable who act in any of these ways will be quick to confess the matter and repent.  Their real character will be revealed in sincere apology.

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The simple advice is partner with people in all forms of life who can do conflict well.  Especially those who don’t use conflict as a weapon to gain some sick advantage.