Marriages die through the heartache of a lack of intimacy

Despite the issues of violence in coupled relationships, where victims have every right to leave and get themselves to safety, just as common is coupled relationships that die from lack of intimacy.  I’m talking neglect, whether it’s intentional or unintentional.

Certainly when it’s intentional it’s most hurtful, but when it’s unintentional it can be so hard to get through to the partner who seems to have no interest in connecting and engaging.

Sometimes it’s about the seemingly disinterested partner getting what they want, and they’ve got little or no interest in what their partner wants.  This is not uncommon in relationships with a decade or two or more of longevity.  It’s like a partner or the relationships slips into an unhealthy groove, like two ships passing in the night.  Neither notices the other.  For months or years.  But a lot of the time it can be about one partner really missing the other, and the other having very little interest in them.

It’s so common that partners will be more intimate with their device than with their partner, it really is.  But good relationships always find ways to put these things down, and to demonstrate their priorities, that human connection and engagement, partner to partner, is always the most important thing.

The keyword in all of this is neglect.  Partners can find themselves so alone in their relationships that they feel more alone than someone who lives alone.  The travesty of all this is that there is daily and even hourly evidence that there is no regard shown.  There is no fruit of love in the relationship, and the relationship bears the feature that it has died.  There’s no life in it or about it.  The one partner is grieving the death of the relationship, while the other partner is either clueless, satisfied with the status quo, or doesn’t care.

In this day and age, the overt abuses of narcissistic abuse are indeed common within marriage and long-term relationships that break down.  But in relationships that bear more chronic features of death like the lingering abuse of neglect, barring the vital issue of the risk to one’s life, the death is just as devastating.

There are at least two problems presented in these situations.

The first is how do we broach the subject that a lack of intimacy is killing us.  It takes many people years to muster up the courage or to find the words to speak about their needs.  Some never do.  And some do but never get through.

The second is finding yourself in a situation where you have broached the topic, and your partner shows little interest in counselling or anything else that might help give you hope.  They are getting what they want, and though they might have great difficulty admitting it, it doesn’t matter if you don’t get what you need.  They put the ball back in your court.  Whilst they may contribute in some ways, their investment in the relationship from an intimacy viewpoint is non-existent.

Without intimacy, relationships wither and die, and for the partner who desires connection and engagement it’s an excruciating living death.  It’s an emotional void where a pungent form of loneliness takes shape that rocks confidence and often leads to clinical depression.

It’s worth reaching out in a last-ditch attempt to call the partner to intimacy.  Whilst the truth of rejection should that happen is devastating, it’s better to know what they really think than continue to live a lie and die.

The real pity is, some learn far too late that they could have addressed their neglectful demeanour far earlier and breathed life into the relationship.  Whilst it’s never too late to learn for the next relationship, it’s always such a pity that neglectful behaviour isn’t addressed so both can heal.

At least the one who learns late actually does learn.  Too many otherwise feel entitled to a relationship where their input is nothing.  By definition, that’s not a relationship.