I love it when I see meme on social media, and it sparks an idea to write about. The meme that sparked this one said, “dance like no one is watching, but text and email like it will be read in court one day. —Your Lawyer”
So very apt, but this article is not about that. This article was prompted by the mention of text and email in relationships. Certainly, we should embargo texting and emailing anything but logistical details when we are dealing with an ex-partner, and even at that keep it to a bare minimum; something like a rule of three messages—one to communicate information and two more for clarification. Then, that’s it. Be kind, but leave it at that.
But seeing that texting and emailing in the context of intimate relationships triggered this article, let me begin by highlighting it as the big no-no in dealing with the loves of our lives:
1. Text or email more than face-to-face or on the phone: the only exception to this rule is if texting and emailing are a mutual blessing. But even if they are a mutual blessing now, words in print have power in the future. “But you said this!” Apart from the fact that what we write can come back to bite us, and this is such old news, nobody can read us—our tone, intent of word, or even the words—properly without us actually speaking them.
2. Regularly as a pattern, escape into withdrawal or attack through abuse: of course, these both can be forms of abuse, not just the latter. There is overt abuse, which is behavioural and very visible, but there is also covert abuse, which blurs into coercion and manipulation, and the latter may be worse than the former, because of how underhanded it is. All relationships feature a modicum of escape and attack, but when these behaviours become a feature of the relationship, relational death is not far away. Best to seek some conflict coaching.
3. Refuse to open up and actually trust your partner: nothing kills a relationship quicker than a lack of trust, but we must establish early on if our partner is trustworthy or not. If you determine that they are not, the relationship is best ended before it gets toxic. A lack of trust can soon dissolve into a war. The quickest thing we need to know in a coupled relationship it is, “Can I trust this person?”
4. An affair: is all I can say is, you (and they) better not! Not only will the relationship probably falter and collapse; that is the minor matter. The major matter is your partner (or now, ex-partner), or you if it’s you who’s cheated on, will be destroyed, whether they choose to stay with you or you with them or not. The relationship isn’t irredeemable, but there is no bigger relational challenge than unfaithfulness, which again, destroys the foundation of all relationships: trust.
5. Spend more time with others than your partner: it’s your partner that deserves and needs your time. A partnered relationship demands a change in focus. This is not to say you can’t spend time with friends. You must spend time with friends. There must be a balance. What you cannot afford, however, is to split your intimacies. I have known men, for instance, who spent more time with and confided in other men (and some with other women!) more than their wives. It’s the same the other way around. A coupled relationship is not an extension or continuation of being single—when you’re in a relationship, you can’t do what you please without caring about what your partner thinks.
6. Commit too early or don’t commit at all: these two are the opposite errors. Too many people get stars in their eyes and commit to a relationship too early, and yet others should commit and their relationships fail because they refuse to. Somehow fear holds them back. But in the former situation of committing too early, there is too much of a fantasy I call, “All my dreams are coming true.” The reality of life is that very few of our dreams come true, because they’re all fetched in fantasy. There’s nothing wrong with dreams so long as they are fitted to reality.
7. Imagining your new partner as being more ideal than they are: in the romantic stage of our relationships we find it very hard to take off the rose-coloured glasses. Indeed, we may refuse. But give it 12 or 18 months and our reality is usually vastly different. Nobody is as good as they appear in first 12 months, and no relationship can continue in the romantic phase forever. There are characteristics of our partners we will discover and hate before we can imagine whether these characteristics are acceptable and not. It all takes time.
8. Dishonesty of any kind: again, we make a return to the vital component of all relationships and that is trust. The greatest test of our integrity is borne out in the coupled relationship. If you trust is vital in all relationships, we can well imagine it is an imperative in a love partnership. We must be able to be honest if our relationship is going to survive in the long-term. Honesty often requires courage, and so our coupled relationship has been ordained for our growth. Every person in an intimate relationship deserves their partner’s honesty as a firm foundation for the trust so necessary to feel safe.
9. Go it alone without any guidance or help: the amount of relationships I’ve seen flounder and fail due to a lack of counsel and support is astounding. At root, there is a lack of humility in people who will not engage with a counselling process. Pride rises up and says, “I will be in control, thank you very much.” But relationships only work, and were best, when neither partner is fully in control, and both have mutuality of control. All couples need wise eyes and wisdom in order to be shown facets of their relationship that they just cannot see.
10. Criticise one another’s family and friends: this kind of practice is quite a betrayal. It is appropriate that we would find fault with our own family, but our partner doesn’t have that license. We all come from families of some kind of dysfunction or other. But a constant criticising about our partner’s family and friends will produce hurt that will impact on intimacy and trust.
Trust is the beginning, middle, and every bit between in relationships, and where trust abides there is no end.
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