Be truly careful if you’re forgiven too easily

Pure relief: having apologised and sought forgiveness and received their mercy. And yet, only later have I thought, “Hey, wait a minute, I wasn’t the only one at fault! Where’s their sorry and seeking for my forgiveness of their wrong?”

Some people say they forgive us because they truly do, whereas some people are just relieved that we took the ‘blame’ (responsibility) and so, for them, this proves they’re in the clear. We need to be careful about this.

When we are genuinely forgiven,
it costs the person something
who is forgiving us. They
were genuinely hurt.

It isn’t an easy decision. It takes faith, mercy and grace to forgive. It involves significant trust and is always a risk. Having forgiven someone, we are required to open our heart towards them; the one who has previously disappointed our expectations, and possibly even betrayed us beyond what we could otherwise bear. Sometimes it’s too much to trust them straight away or even at all. That’s why one of the hallmarks of an excellent apology is the acceptance of consequences, i.e. “I have no right to demand you forgive me or even trust me again—my apology is me putting myself at your mercy and I refuse to use it as a way of manipulating you.”

If we are forgiven easily, what we did probably didn’t mean much to them. It didn’t hurt them. And doubly watch out if their actions hurt you. If it did hurt them, you will probably see them wrestle in some way with forgiving you. It’s a significant grace.

If it didn’t mean much to them, if they weren’t genuinely hurt, we haven’t been genuinely forgiven, and it is probably more the case that they have overlooked what we did. Overlooking an offense is definitely a wonderful thing to do, but it isn’t really forgiveness in the true sense of the term.

But there is a person who forgives easily but who never seeks forgiveness, who never makes a lot about conflict, because they always want to project the appearance that they are beyond disappointment and betrayal. Of course, nobody is. But this is the person who must always appear to be in control. They won’t allow themselves to be vulnerable to being hurt. That is a ‘weakness’ they can’t abide in. They remain in the safe and impenetrable position of the champion. Think about any leader who has this psychology. They are dangerous for the simple fact that, in their right of mind, they will never be wrong, and if they can’t be hurt, nobody else has the right to be hurt, either. They endeavour to make conflict an impossibility, such is the façade of the kingdom they create. The key danger is they won’t deal in the economy of conflict, and given conflict is familial to relationship, leaders who refuse to deal with conflict can be abusive; when dormant at best, destructive when active.

We have come to admire ‘strong’ leadership like this; a leadership that is impenetrable to weakness, and that sneers at vulnerability, but that, for the church, is a blurring of a worldly concept for leadership excellence that high reliability organisations chucked out long ago. Good leadership is inherently relational, and deeply relational systems are punctuated by leadership vulnerability at crucial junctures. How else are people to be led and inspired? If a leader won’t enter conflict, as if they will not expose themselves to vulnerability and the possibility they could be wrong, they are not neutered, but quite the opposite.

Any person who refuses to engage with the possibility they could be wrong is a dangerous person relationally. They would rather protect themselves than allow truth to be the collective arbiter. They would rather protect themselves than allow another person a hearing who has a grievance with them. They would rather protect themselves than cooperate with a process that could set others free. They would rather protect themselves than see the Kingdom come in a ‘love one another’ way.

So, be careful if you’re ‘forgiven’ too easily. And in seeking to be forgiven, first ask yourself, “Do I have something to forgive this other person for?” Because that’s an important part of the conversation.

If we find ourselves in a relationship where there is constantly no recognition for the impact of conflict, and little or no ability or desire from them to take responsibility for the relational impact they cause, we are best served to create safe boundaries. It’s not a good long-term strategy to remain in relationship with people where we continue to take our portion of the responsibility, yet they never take theirs. And yet if these are our children, or others we have no choice to be in relationship with, we best guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23), and model the best adulting we can.

Photo by Michael Dziedzic on Unsplash