Dear Men, of the Broken Relationship

Hello, my male friend of a broken romantic relationship,

Oh, how sad I am for you in your plight. You never wanted this to occur, possibly never thought it could or would, and now it has. She’s left. I’ve been there! I hated it. And I was very tempted to hate her for doing to me what she did. But it wasn’t all her… actually, it was me, too. It may not be all your fault, but what is yours to own is 100% of your own contribution. And owning your stuff is all that stands between peace with your ex-partner and you.

You may still be gutted in hurt, and barely able to get over what you feel that she has done. But you sorely need to refocus, and you can, because if you don’t, whether you think you can or you can’t, there are dire consequences.

The consequences that should motivate you, may not. These are the consequences that impact on whole families, innocent children, parents, brothers and sisters, friends. So many people want to help us out when our relationships are breaking down. Let’s not go down the track of those who want to prove a hindrance. But if you can’t be motivated around what this is costing others, be motivated around what this is costing yourself.

Let me narrow in on a term-of-reputation that will find you, that you would come to despise, but that may fit your behaviour, especially if your conduct is recalcitrant. Here it is:

Ways to guarantee you won’t be accused of being narcissistic:

Listen when you’re spoken to. Ensure you can hear the other person, especially your ex-partner. Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry (James 1:19). You never know, you may be considered wiser than you are when you show such self-restraint (Proverbs 17:27-28).

Think about your ex-partner’s needs, and the children’s needs, above your own, and your needs will be catered for.

Be gentle and respectful in your demeanour, and don’t act in an entitled or threatening way. Think of how you would feel if someone behaved that way with you.

Don’t look to exploit every opportunity, and less so exploit opportunities that will come as a complete surprise to others. You will not get away with it. Remember there is a witness in the heavens. If anything, allow others to exploit you, because this is one way you can rebuild the trust you may have helped to destroy. Most of all, don’t exploit opportunities that will make you look good, when deep down you’re being selfish.

Pay your way. In fact, now’s the time to give more than is expected. Whatever costs you much earns you double respect and builds trust exponentially—if your motivation is pure, in that you’re doing it because it’s right, not to placate or please or patronise, and particularly not to punish, her.

Remind yourself often that it’s not all about you; that there are always others to consider. Be as pure in your motives as you possibly can. If you’re honest, you will see how dishonest you are prone to be. We all have many idols on our heart, which compete for benevolence and usurp God in the opportune moment dozens of times every day.

Be neither a threat to others, nor feel threatened yourself. This requires a commitment to peacemaking (look it up in James 3:17-18) and to the guarding of our hearts to the degree that we see and confess and own our anxiety. It’s too easy as men to be fearful, and yet shroud that fear in anger, because we are ashamed of feeling weak and out of control. Be both meek and resilient simultaneously. Be dependable. Offer your strength, which is quiet and gentle, not your anger.

Genuinely empathise with others at every opportunity. This is done simply by being other-centric. Discipline your mind to become aware of the many times you are egocentric, and continually repent by putting the spotlight on others’ situations and feelings and take the spotlight off your own.

Whatever you do, don’t do any of the above for rewards or accolades from your ex-partner. No, you do these things because they are the right things to do, or you prove you have the wrong motivation, and that is enough to destroy your reputation forever.

She needs to see that you really have changed. Accept that it takes not months, but years to change long-held perceptions. It may be too late in this situation to reconcile, and just about every time it is, but that doesn’t mean you cannot reconcile for a peaceful future. That ought to be motivation enough.

To the women who are reading this who can see their ex-partner is putting in some work, please encourage them by removing your goads. You are understood as doing the right thing in holding your own in the presence of a tyrant, but if and when you see him making efforts to be reasonable, commend the behaviour, but silently. By saying nothing you communicate a lot. Indeed, by saying nothing, and thereby not resisting, you offer tacit encouragement. That’s all the encouragement he should need. Otherwise don’t back down. Remain firm. Hold your own. Whatever you do, don’t do his work for him. It’s his to do.

Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash