Apology is a big deal to me. Besides spending a lot of my life coaching people on the when and how of apology, I find that God is forever honing my daily practice; so necessary is it for relationship maintenance, intimacy and trust.
But there are definitely times when saying sorry is ill-advised at best, or downright dangerous at worst:
1. When we know from past behaviour patterns that the other person will automatically assume that our apology equates to us taking 100% responsibility for the matter at hand. Our apology is more safely made when we’re dealing with someone we can have constructive dialogue with, who will also be open to discussing, in due course, what was their fault.
2. When we’re not yet solidified in taking 100% responsibility for OUR contribution to the conflict. Whilst we take zero percent responsibility for their contribution, we must own one hundred percent of the contribution we made.
3. When we’re not prepared to make the changes required that a good apology demands. Too often apologies are said that appear to us to be sincere, but still fall flat. If we apologise, we’re really saying to the other person that we know what we did was wrong and that we won’t do it again. It is fair and reasonable for the other person to expect change. We would expect change if roles were reversed. Nobody wants bad behaviour that’s been apologised for, repeated.
4. When our apology may trigger something in them that would be bad for them. Sometimes people aren’t ready for our amends. We may be perfectly willing to make our amends, but the wisdom of Step 9 of the Twelve Step program is making amends is not about us. We pray for an opportunity when making our apology would only be a blessing to them; that it would not wreak further damage. This takes discernment.
5. When we haven’t yet thought through the apology; when our level of reflection is superficial, we may find ourselves caught out in a very insincere situation, where they could duly ask, “Is that it? You don’t really understand, do you?”
6. When you bear absolutely no responsibility for the conflict. In other words, abuse. Now, be careful here, because some abusers would use this to gaslight their victims into, “You incited me!” Uh-uh, when someone has been abused it would be inappropriate to take the other person’s responsibility.
7. When we’re not yet prepared in our hearts to forgive. It’s sad to say, but very important to realise, forgiveness is not that simple. It involves nuances of mercy for a person or situation that in many cases requires a process of heart work. If we begin to apologise, but for some reason cannot yet forgive the other person for their contribution, that conversation could well backfire and make matters worse.
8. When we’re not ready to receive their rebuttal or their rejection of the apology. Making apologies is risky business. It’s not for the faint-hearted. Indeed, it takes a lot of godly sincerity to say sorry well. Part of this sincerity is deciding beforehand that the apology, however well meant it is, may well be rejected, and it is infinitely better to plan to be open-minded and open-hearted enough to see their point(s) and to be able to journey with those points. Indeed, extra steps may well be demanded, and those steps could well be justified. The worst-case scenario is there may be no way back; they may write us off. We need to be prepared for this as a possible eventuality.
9. When they ‘accept’ of our apology, but still refuse to forgive us. Yes, this happens a lot. They accept our apology, and they’re “just fine,” except we know by their distance that trust is not restored, and they may even say this. If we’re not prepared for this, it wouldn’t be a good idea to apologise yet.
10. When our apology comes preloaded with conditions. This is the most basic error anyone can make. If our apology uses the words or concepts of ‘if, but, and maybe’ we stand on troubled ground. “I’m sorry, but if you hadn’t done this, I wouldn’t have done that… sorry; maybe don’t do this again, because you can see how it made me react…” Conditional apologies betray the word ‘sorry’ even in the act of ‘apologising’, and what equates to victim blaming ensues. Apologies must be unconditional. If we can’t yet ‘stay sorry’, we’re not ready to say sorry.
11. When we’re not equipped with all the information. Sometimes we think we know what we did wrong, and we feel ready. But what if the other person brings up something we hadn’t considered, and it blindsides us. We must go into the conversation expecting to hear what we hardly expected to hear.
12. When there’s a compound apology to make. This rarely happens, because those who don’t apologise for an initial infraction usually don’t then apologise for their abject denial that made matters infinitely worse. But, let’s explore it. It’s that time when someone did something they didn’t own up to and, in denying any fault, it made matters infinitely worse. If we’ve engaged in behaviour that requires an apology for one behaviour that we have for some extended period denied, this compound apology is very complex, and mediation help is advised to be sought to ensure the person being apologised to isn’t further traumatised. Refer to point 4 above.
13. When we haven’t thought through the possible requirements of restitution—how we will make right of the wrong done. This comes in at least two forms: the restitution we’re prepared to make or are about to offer AND their requirements of us in order to make proper restitution. We really need to think through the issues of what we’re prepared to do before we make our apology.
14. When an apology might significantly change a relationship dynamic with a loved one. We always need to understand that even our deeds of goodness can be used by the enemy to create dissension and division. This is about anticipating the fallout. If anyone could become distressed by an apology we’re about to make, it would be wise to engage in dialogue with these loved ones or significant others first.
15. If, at any time, our apology carries with it the demand of being trusted again. Apology is all about throwing ourselves upon the mercy of the court of a person’s opinion, and much of the time opinion is very difficult to predict. Having apologised, we can demand nothing.
I acknowledge the principles of peacemaking ministry, PeaceWise, in this article.
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