Hey buddy, heal on your own time, not hers

On the back of the “she is not your rehab” movement, which just cuts to the heart of what is wrong in so many relationships comes the heart to write this.

I write this out of a heart that sees far too many women—not just young women, but very often it is young women—abused at the hand of guys who either hate being how they are OR who don’t accept where they are. The former has some hope for recovery. The latter are hopelessly deluded and are either train-wrecks waiting to happen to far too many innocent lives or full blown travesties in far too many lives being ruined right now.

I write this through the eyes of a man who has been there, in both places—the past state and the present state. I don’t write this from any superior position. I could be writing this to the 30-year-younger version of me, or even the 20-year-younger version for that matter. (Most of us guys need this kind of message.) But I do write for fairness—with the sincere intent that some of my buddies who may read this might say, “Yeah, fair enough; good point; now let me apply it.”

So, here goes.

She is not your rehab. Don’t do your healing on her time, do it on your own time. What I mean is stay single and get good at looking after a plant. Then, after you’ve killed a few of those through neglect, think about the neglect you have saved a potential partner from suffering—which, from a relationship’s viewpoint is far more complex, the consequences of which would be far worse.

While you’re there, quit messing with games of football, gambling on races, drinking, drug-taking and porn, whilst filling your face. Stop pontificating. Stop insisting you know anything. Get outside, move, think and dream. Read what you can about what love truly is. She’s not there to make you feel good. She’s not. Though she will want to. And for that matter, get yourself a job and stick with it, and learn to manage those relationships well, which leads me to say…

Take responsibility. Read it again. Stay in THAT zone. In those two words hold all hope of relationship success with a woman who is possibly above you in the maturity stakes; meaning her world is probably filled with thoughts of serving others before her needs get met. As she commits to serving your needs, you better be equally committed and therefore equipped to carry out such a promise.

Heal on your own time. Before you pursue her for your own gain (just admit it), pursue her that together you might express a mutuality that might be beyond you right now.

Be honest. Frankly, if you’re able to be honest, that you’re not there yet, you could be closer than you think. That’s ironic, isn’t it? The less you think you are, the more you are. Just stay honest.

Now, how’s your anger? I ask because it’s in us in a destructive way if we’re not careful and not healed to the point where we’re not honest with our baggage. I don’t say this to shame you. I know, us men want so desperately to be able to control those emotions, and most of us don’t just hate the fact we could be dangerous to women, we despise it. But that doesn’t help much; it just shames us into patterns of thinking and behaviour that tends to make matters worse. She doesn’t need your anger, and indeed you will traumatise her with it. Deal with your anger on your time, not hers.

Gee, I’m at 548 words and I’ve hardly broken a sweat.

Can you see yet what she will teach you? This is a good indicator of a healthy man. She is placed in your life NOT just for your gratification or for sympathy or (least of all) to be a target for your occasional (or regular) fury. God has placed her in your life so you would strive to be a better version of yourself, but not out of any sense of inferiority or guilt. You need to see her as a gift to you, just as you need to esteem her kindness, compassion, wisdom and humility—not to mention her incredible courage. This is not about idolising her, but it is about appreciating her in a sustained way.

Do you know much about abuse? Have you researched sexual (yes, you read that right), mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, social, financial abuse? What about neglect? Have you made an honest assessment of yourself as having the capacity for it? If not, give it some serious thought. Make a plan of action once you’ve done it, because what you discover may well lead to a doorway—God’s invitation—to enter a process of therapy and healing. In this you’ll learn that in simply being fearlessly honest, God will liberate you to the extent that you will feel God’s love and therefore, perhaps for the first time, you’ll be able to love yourself. Now, if you’re like most abusers, you won’t even see it, so I’d recommend being courageous enough to ask people who really know you. Yes, I know, it’s a hard ask—nonetheless it’s necessary. Those who can do this, listen to it and do something about it, are probably lowest risk. Those who most need to do this, won’t!

Repeat after me: If you don’t love yourself, you won’t be able to love someone else. If only you understand the fullness of God’s love for you, you’re more than halfway there.

While we’re there, finally, what’s your relationship like with your own mother and women in general? Hope it’s healthy. I hope she hasn’t treated you badly or (just as bad) treated you as entitled. I hope she can see your flaws, but not so much that all she sees is flaws. And will your mother believe your partner is good enough for you? How do you view women? It better not be tainted with any baggage you may be carrying. Take some time now to ask yourself these searching questions.

Okay, it’s long enough already. I’ll wait to see if others have ideas to contribute and reserve the right to add them later.

Men, I’m praying for you, but just as much, and if not more, I’m praying for your present and future partners. Go gently.

… an afterthought: men, you who are particularly suave and charismatic, very funny and all sorts attractive, and perhaps you’ve had girls and women following you all your life. You’re the most dangerous. Because you’ve possibly taken advantage of so many of them. You’ve possibly groomed some of these girls and women—and in the case of girls, illegally. Note this: the more charismatic you are, the more of a potential threat you pose, the further you may be from any kind of romantic mutuality. Be honest. If this is you, pour your efforts into making amends rather than pursuing the next woman.

Whatever the case, if you’re not ready, chances are it’s not your fault. Take your opportunity. We must all face the trash in our pasts if we’re to be the people we can be.

Postscript: as a late addition, even as the Spirit of God would sift me into the bargain, I acknowledge the many challenging themes in this piece personally. As a marriage therapist, and also as a husband who doesn’t have the perfect marriage, I just want to constantly find ways of being better, whilst accepting that, as always, I am in my wife’s words, “A husband with potential.” Our wives and lady partners deserve our fullest devotion.

Acknowledgement to the fantastic work of the she is not your rehab movement: https://www.facebook.com/sheisnotyourrehab/