Seeing the subtleties within unseen abuses is crucially important

This is one of those issues you don’t see until you see it, yet when you do see it, you then cannot unsee it.

The subtleties at play in unseen abuse—the visible effects of abuse are the tiniest tip of the iceberg—are difficult even for trained people to see, but thank God, once we begin to notice them an ability to discern them is aroused in us. Unfortunately, we probably need to have had some personal experience to understand how it happens, its impacts and effects, the nature of personal trauma, etc.

Unseen abuses are not just the tiniest tip of the iceberg as far as range of abuses is concerned. The real worrying thing is that this is also about prevalence. There is much, much more unseen and subtle abuse going on everywhere right now and historically than we would want to know. Again, it’s personal experience that highlights how common this is. Suddenly, the light is switched on within us in terms of the criminality of minds that we see quite commonly in all our communities.

Those who really don’t care to care, who are aberrantly selfish (Christian or not), who have no desire to project a nice guy/gal image, again, are the tiniest tip of the iceberg. It’s the one with the nice guy/gal image who is getting away with murdering their partner, work colleague, etc, slowly (taking Jesus literally) who is a more prevalent problem. The former is obnoxious and it’s obvious they’re not interested in relating with others. The latter, however, are malevolently motivated and impression management is part of their guile. This actually adds a huge additional dimension to the abuse, because their cunning can leave us feeling helplessly imprisoned. Then add to this the nature within such a person who CANNOT see, and therefore has no hope of recovery.

Seeing the subtleties within the unseen abuses is often even a hard thing for trained eyes, but in this #MeToo and #ChurchToo day, there is much more information in general circulation, which helps.

If someone indicates they don’t feel safe in a relationship or they declare to us that they feel they’re being abused, we must listen. We must be bold enough to open safe space for them to share, but without any sense of coercion, because that in and of itself will make the person feel unsafe and too vulnerable. We do not want to add to their anxiety or trauma.

It is more important to listen and to say safe supporting and particularly general things in the conversation, like, “no abuse is acceptable,” and “everyone has a voice,” and “relationships should not hurt.”

If we were to badger someone we feel is being abused into telling us what is happening, we too would be harassing the person who may well be dealing with a lot already. It would be better to build a support base for them that involves listening and availability—“I’m here if or whenever you want to talk.”

Listening in agreement

If they do begin to open up, it could simply be a case of listening in agreement before venturing into the territory of “what now?”—in other words, trained and skilled support for referral. Don’t assume your pastor is equipped. It would be better to put them in touch with people who already specialise in abuse support.

Listening in agreement is important, because the narrative within the person being abused is very often a mixed up or messed up one. They may know they’re being abused, but they may also underplay its severity, especially if it’s been going on for some time and has become normal. They may have some warped sense that they’re partly (or wholly!) to blame, when in fact they’re blameless for being cruelly treated. They blame themselves and battle with guilt usually through another subtle form of abuse: gaslighting. They’re made to feel they’re blame-worthy; that they’re the problem or even part of the problem—“if you didn’t do this, I wouldn’t do that,” for one example. Of course, this is a lie.

Listening in agreement, against what we might think, is actually what abuse victims are not expecting to experience, even if they desperately want and need to be understood.

Seeing the subtleties within unseen abuses is crucially important. Anyone in the vocation of helping people needs this discernment if they’re not to add a dimension of harm to the lives they’re trying and are entrusted to assist.

It is also important to see that people are abused usually in more ways than one.

If there’s a subtlety of financial or social abuse there, there will be other abuses, too. Spiritual abuse underpins much of it, as perpetrators coerce significant doubt into their victims. It’s not unusual for survivors of abuse to resonate with every kind of abuse. And it’s not that victims need to list a litany of types of abuse to be believed.

In every visible abuse, there is much unseen abuse going on.

And even when there are no visible marks or indicators of abuse apparent, significant harm and trauma is occurring wherever there is unseen abuse occurring.