Compassion for the injustices you continue to face

Whenever we combine a soft empathic heart with violence—and just as much a jilting and dismissive disdain—we arrive at a soul that bears trauma that cannot easily be healed.

There are no pat answers that do justice to this situation-of-soul whereby what was enormous potential was crushed. There are no simple answers, period.

What makes life even more complicated for the injustices that we bear is the complicated nature of anger is it bridles guilt with justice—on the one hand, anger is justified, but on the other hand, the effects of our anger leave us torn to shreds over its impacts. The last thing we want to do is harm the ones we love, yet somehow, time and again, they faithfully bear the brunt of our outbursts and tirades.

We need to feel understood. There needs to be a time of silent reflection where you can say, “Wow, finally I feel like I’m being ‘met’ here!” And there is nothing quite like people simply agreeing with us that an anger response is understandable, even if it’s not ideal or what we even want.

Love is a funny thing. It’s action-oriented, we know that. But love puts up with a lot too, surely in the firm belief that change is possible. It takes a long time to truly extinguish love’s flame, and in certain roles (for instance, parenting), it is impossible to do such a thing. And if the flame were to be snuffed out through loss or desertion, for example, it causes trauma for the parent.

These are the words I’d share with the person who, against their own will, struggles to regulate their emotions for what they’ve suffered:

It is unfair and it was unfair. That part of your life will always be unfair. The injustices you faced have rippled into not only your future, but they’ve hurt others who love you, too, for what these events have caused you to suffer. These injustices are evil and should never have happened. No matter what the next steps are, I hope you have someone who will unconditionally affirm these injustices with you however long they need to be affirmed for you to find healing.

You were transgressed and never, ever does that part of your story diminish in its significance. Never should that part of your story be glossed over. Never ever should it be, “Come on, now it’s time to get over it.” Indeed, if I know you this much, I’d say, you’re the one wanting to get over it. 

But don’t be too hasty. You will need to tell your story and the unfairness of what you face for perhaps a very long time and it will need to be repeated so many times ad nauseam. You will need a safe space for your anger to be expressed; for safe, healing expression. If it’s in a counselling room, you will need complete safety and assurance that, during these times, your words and tone are unconditionally acceptable. You may swear, cuss, scream, etc. But for your own benefit, in safety. It doesn’t need to be with a trained person. (When I needed this support in my life many years ago, it was my parents who played the role.) You may need to speak the same things over and over again.

I finish by reflecting on how Jesus must feel as he sits or stands beside you, ever present at the silent sojourner with each of us. He must be so proud of the courage you’ve shown, back when these events happened, and ever since, as long as you’ve carried this burdensome grief.

Photo by Jude Beck on Unsplash