“Dad, Mum told me…” “Mum, Dad said…” usually for families facing separation and divorce this is NOT about to be something that is kind, generous or loving. Usually it’s the complete opposite. Usually it’s a toxic moment that only breathes disdain and despair into lives we love.
I’ve heard fathers say horrible things about their child’s mothers, and I’ve seen it the other way around. Any of us in this divorced situation have either done it or been tempted to do it. It’s time to repent of it. “Let me do what only I can do!”
Let me put it this way; from our CHILD’S perspective. Hear what they hear.
“So, you are telling me that MY PARENT, the one who I need the most love from out of this entire world, is nasty, unforgiving and unloving. So, do they really love me? (please know that I cannot bear to hear that they don’t!) And if you’re about to get into a tit-for-tat joust just to win a pathetic argument, look at me, dust on the floor beneath you.”
The child can see with their own eyes. We don’t need to ‘fill in the blanks’. Children are normally very perceptive. And even if they’re aren’t, we should be delighted that they don’t have to grieve the issue of their parent betraying (or being betrayed) someone they love more dearly than they can express with words.
How devastating for our children that in one parent criticising or abusing the other means both their parents are not being who they should be (as reliable, safe persons for their child); one is being hurt in front of their eyes, and the other is perpetrating acts that say, “I don’t love you!” (even though in most cases it’s actually LOVE that means they’re so hurt that they’ll hurt the other.)
Try this: when you hear these things come from your child’s mouth, tell yourself, “Now be kind; this is their parent I’m about to berate or criticise. Have faith that in being kind, I can help heal this hole that my ex-partner may have helped create. And, while I’m there, is there anything that I’ve said previously that requires an apology? Ah, that too will bring my child whom I love much healing and quietness of soul.”
Become aware.
This is the challenge. Pray that God would make you aware in the moment BEFORE your words of anger teem forth as acid to burn your child before you. And once you’ve been made aware… act!
When we’ve successfully avoided bringing more harm to the fore, we ought to thank God for the humble patience we were gifted with in that moment. Pray that this would become a pattern in your behaviour. “They can criticise me as much as they like, but I will continue to be kind about them; for my child’s sake.”
We always need to be aware of the difference between feeling love for our loved ones and acting in love. The only way love makes a difference is when we do loving acts.
Feelings of love alone can propel us to act in hurtful ways toward others for the fact that when our love is hurt, we hurt and then we hurt others.
Love must be intentional. Parents must love their children in action. Action that creates feelings of being loved is what children need.
This is what love means: it’s not just a feeling when people who depend on us rely on feeling it. Love is always the action of sacrifice for others who depend on us.
Yes, I know it HURTS to be in this situation. But we can rise above our own feelings. We can do this for others who depend on us.
Photo by Chinh Le Duc on Unsplash
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