The way we handle our problems,
especially the small ones, can prove to be the maker or separator of
relationships. This is probably not good news for those of us who despise or
deny our personal and interpersonal problems.
Difficulties have a way of delving
deeply into the truth of matters. They reveal us for who we truly are. Just
about anyone can be nice and loving when the relational seas are calm. It’s
when the tests arrive; that’s when we know what we’ve got as far as our
essential persons and our partners are concerned.
Problems throw us into the
cauldron of our unsteady selves and we’re faced with anxiety, anger, and a
plethora of other felt responses. They cause us to be unreasonable when the
only way through them is to be reasonable.
The following four areas are good
to use in troubleshooting and determining methods of resolving difficulties and
conflicts:
1. How A Couple Thinks About Their
Problems
Thinking is so underrated. Even
though we’re thinking human beings, often unable to turn off our minds, we rarely
analyse our thinking processes.
How do we think? And importantly,
how do two different people that make up one couple think differently?
It’s a fact we all think
differently. So why would we criticise our partners for seeing the world and
facing problems differently? Gaining an appreciation of our thinking
differences goes a long way toward sorting our problems.
2. How A Couple Manages Their Feelings
Managing our feelings is a tricky
business. We can’t help but feel. And again, we feel differently. Managing
emotions like fear, loneliness and anger are difficult. We may find it easier
to deny them some way. But that doesn’t help.
If, as couples, we can maintain
some code of respect for each others’ feelings, making space for them, whilst
taking personal responsibility for our feelings, which are our own and nobody
else’s, we will avoid disastrous consequences in negotiating conflict.
3. Where A Couple Focuses Their
Attention
Rather than the word focus, we
could utilise the word refocus, instead.
Many distractions grab at our
attention and subsume our focus. The point of refocusing is to somehow become
reminded when we’re wandering off track.
So much conflict occurs because
we’re incorrectly focused.
4. How A Couple Acts And Communicates
Under Stress
Stressful situations, as pointed
out above, bring out our worst. This is a human universal. As our thinking
tends more negatively, and we imagine where problems are taking us, it’s
natural we’ll become stressed.
Yet, if, as a couple, we can
notice the stresses that come into our marital lives and remind ourselves to be
especially loving toward each other, we can negotiate the stress much better.
***
Difficulties are the relationship
quality enhancer. Problems prove our love. How we think about our problems,
manage our feelings, refocus our attention, and act and communicate in
stressful situations determines the quality of our relationships.
© 2012 S. J. Wickham.
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