How well we relate with ourselves
dictates, to a large degree, how well we relate with another and others. It is
not difficult, therefore, to conceptualise, that, in knowing others, we must
know, appreciate, and more fully accept ourselves.
This is both a lifelong and
ongoing task. Even those very-well-adjusted types have a significant task.
Nobody is naturally gifted to the extent they need do no work.
The World Is Smaller Than We Think
Beginning from within, our worlds
emerge. All our thoughts and therefore our perceptions flower from the
landscape that lies, and is nurtured, within. Much of this is implicit in who
we are.
As is implied from above, rather
than thinking we need to change our worldview in order to fit in with the
world, our task is more about accepting
our worldview. To do this we must know it—and appreciate it. The development of our worldview has been
one of the major tasks of our lives—the forming of our identities. Just as it
is easy to accept our good parts, we are challenged now to acknowledge and
accept our not-so-good parts. Our worldview is the sum of us—how we see the
world. To a vast degree this can’t be changed, but it can be redirected if need
be.
Only as we accept our worldviews
can we begin to explore healthy relationships.
Again, this is opposite to how we
think. We think to relate better we need to change ourselves. And to a minor
degree we will need to challenge ourselves in these ways. Instead of changing
holus bolus, however, we are to accept ourselves. We relieve all our
self-imposed pressures as much as we are able. Then we find we are fit for
relationships of all kinds; we become better listeners and we appreciate and
accept others.
Only when we know, appreciate, and
accept ourselves will we come to know, appreciate, and accept others. Why is it
we hate some others? We hate ourselves. Why is it that some aspects of people
irritate us? There are some allied aspects of us that we find equally
irritable. When we focus on friending others, getting past our biases, we
inevitably friend ourselves. There is, as a result, less inner conflict to deal
with. The biggest barrier we have in relating with others is the barrier we
have in relating with ourselves.
Relationships with others are more
interdependent on our relationship with ourselves than we initially thought.
Constructing a Larger, Relational World
Plunging into the deep end of life
is about fully investing in our relationships.
As an allusion to the broader
world, then, it is firstly about us with ourselves. Constructing a larger,
relational world, having plumbed the depths from within, we are better
positioned for life. The success of our lives is not about money nor
possessions, but relationships. Relationships give us the biggest reward.
Because we have worked from
within, and we are committed to continuing the work, our relationships have a more
confident basis. We feel more self-assured. We feel less afraid in sticky
relational contexts.
As a direct result of feeling more
confident and self-assured we free others up to be more confident and
self-assured. When we are more ourselves we allow others to be more themselves.
***
Relationships with others begin
from within. If we would seek to love another we must first seek to love
ourselves. When we accept ourselves, and we can access freedom from
self-imposed pressure and self-condemnation, we more easily accept others.
© 2012 S. J. Wickham.
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