“That is the thankless position of the father
in the family—the provider for all, and the enemy of all.”
—August Strindberg
It isn’t just the father in the
family who is treated thanklessly; we are all unappreciated from time to time.
Yet it’s no coincidence that the same people, and the same situations,
repetitively take us are granted.
Are we to learn or endure? Are we
to protect ourselves or patiently bear these things?
Wherever there is potential for
thankfulness there will always be the potential for thanklessness. Wherever
relationships exist there is the ability to love or refuse to love; to give or
take.
Thanklessness is the mark of
lovelessness. What can we do about it?
Having the Courage to Protect Ourselves
Our first choice is to decide
whether we can do anything about it. Sometimes we can. Sometimes, having prayed
for the wisdom to communicate how we feel, we can make the point without
hurting the other person:
“When you
say this or do that I feel underappreciated. Doing this other thing would show
some consideration.”
But the risk is those who have the
capacity to be thankless are usually those most easily hurt. Their curse is
selfishness, for which we all suffer from time to time.
In the world of relationships there
will always be the need to protect ourselves—through the operation of
assertiveness. Assertiveness is that ability to protect ourselves without
hurting others. That is a knife-edged task. Even the wisest of people will
falter. But assertiveness is to be our aim.
Very often, however, the
underappreciated shirk the right to challenge thankless people.
Accepting What We Must Patiently Bear
Although it is not always the best
thing to accept thankless treatment, sometimes it’s our only option. We can
imagine our patient forbearance has the blessing of God over it. But knowing
this doesn’t always help.
Patiently bearing the lack of
gratitude on the part of others is an investment of faith for a hope in the
future that some sort of vindication might occur.
Perhaps this is the easiest and
godliest of choices—to bear the insult, thoughtlessness, or ridicule. If we can
do such a thing by not denying how we feel we develop inner strength.
Then there are always innocent
others who benefit because of our forbearance. Maybe our focus is to be on
these; that our refusal to be offended is based in a superintending sense of
fathering.
***
Being underappreciated is a
temptation to anger. It takes strength to bear well in thankless circumstances.
This strength is real when we can bear well without denying our true feelings.
We send our frustrations to God in prayer to experience peace.
© 2012 S. J. Wickham.
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