The world is given to dressing up
negative feedback—a.k.a. criticism—as constructive, and that may be true, but
it’s usually a politically correct allowance for some people to be scathing in
their views. Nobody likes to be criticised. Nobody enjoys being found wanting.
But there’s also another truth we
hardly ever consider when it comes to criticism. Where is the criticism coming
from? Who gives it and what are they actually
saying?
These issues are not as obvious as
we might think.
Seeing through the criticism is an
attempt at gaining the insight which might explain the reason we’re hearing
such feedback.
Does It Reveal Their Embarrassment?
If we feel criticised, especially by deeper attention from the
criticiser, as if they’ve really gone out of their way to deliver such
feedback, and if they’re angry, it might be that their criticism is fuelled by
their embarrassment. Certainly the issue, as it stands, can be improved upon.
But their embarrassment is a clue that there’s more sting to the criticism than
is due just to the matter we’re being criticised for.
In other words, their feedback
isn’t as controlled as they would like it to be. And even if they never own up
to it, they will feel they overdid it unconsciously. When we give negative
feedback, the more authentic us wants to be in control.
Besides the above, sometimes what
we did we’re okay with but others are embarrassed. There may not be any need for
embarrassment, and where there isn’t, like where we haven’t betrayed any social
norms, their criticism reveals more their lack than ours.
Does It Reveal Their Inadequacy?
At times we can be criticised for
things that don’t really make sense to us. Perhaps further on than
embarrassment, the criticiser is transferring their feelings of inadequacy onto
us. The important clue is an emotional one.
Where people criticise, losing
control of their emotions, we should ask whether the issue is more about their
inadequacy than the issue itself. This is not always the case, but sometimes it
is.
The very fact that we feel criticised, unless, that is, we’re
especially sensitive to criticism, is an important emotional clue. If we’re
especially sensitive to criticism we may pick up emotion that isn’t there. It
pays to be brutally honest with ourselves.
***
Checking for embarrassment and
inadequacy on the part of the criticiser is just an attempt to understand the
situation better—it’s not about finding someone to blame because we can’t
handle truth we need to own. It’s about a more balanced perspective.
***
Sometimes there’s more to
criticism than the words. Criticism might be more about what’s going on in the
other person. We should gauge the emotions: ours and theirs. Is the criticism
revealing embarrassment or inadequacy: ours or theirs? Emotional criticism,
besides exasperation, is usually about their embarrassment or inadequacy.
© 2012 S. J. Wickham.
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