Some relationships require so much
effort, yet other relationships go smoothly. We can never really do much about
these dynamics. But if we don’t recognise the potential impact of
high-maintenance relationships on our inner selves we may shelve the anger that
certain relationships evoke. In shelving such anger, we can be sure it will
spew over the edges at some of the least appropriate times.
The issues of transference in
anger revolve around emotional energy. Where we deny the build-up of anger, and
don’t give it safe vent, we expose ourselves to something we can no longer
control.
But there is hope. Always with
anger, or any emotional response, we can learn better ways of expression.
Learning From Our Anger
One of the good things about our
presenting anger, of course, is it is a cue for our learning. When we lose
control we have the opportunity to ask why
we lost control.
Getting curious is a boon to our
hope. We can learn how to respond better in future situations.
And when we honestly explore the
rationale of our anger, we can begin to see where our relationships hinder us
within. Where we are not allowed the scope of honest rapport, where there is a
lack of trust or respect between two people, and we hide or put on our
reactions, the anger that isn’t expressed builds up.
If we can learn about the
circumstances in which we nurture our anger, especially where we don’t deal
with it, we can build our awareness. When we try to help too much, or cannot
help enough, or we try to be too nice, our extravagance of emotion comes
boomeranging back. It is classic unconscious self-harm, usually because of a
lack of interpersonal courage.
When we know we are most
susceptible, because we are relating with people in awkward situations, we can
prepare for ourselves a planned adjournment to deal with our building anger.
We deliberately offer ourselves
grace. We ensure there is personal acknowledgement of the pressures we are
dealing with. Then anger has a release.
***
We are vessels for both love and
anger. When people frustrate us, yet we cannot tell them, anger builds up
within us, creating anxiety and potential for the anger to spill over in
uncontrolled ways. We are best to find safer expressions for our emotions.
Anger encroaches when we struggle
to be honest with ourselves and others.
Being genuinely honest regarding
our emotions within our relationships gives us power over uncontrolled anger.
We are wise to prepare ourselves for the build-up of anger in troubling relationships.
We are wise to find a safe release.
© 2012 S. J. Wickham.
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