Some relationships require so much effort, yet other relationships go smoothly. We can never really do much about these dynamics. But if we don’t recognise the potential impact of high-maintenance relationships on our inner selves we may shelve the anger that certain relationships evoke. In shelving such anger, we can be sure it will spew over the edges at some of the least appropriate times.
The issues of transference in anger revolve around emotional energy. Where we deny the build-up of anger, and don’t give it safe vent, we expose ourselves to something we can no longer control.
But there is hope. Always with anger, or any emotional response, we can learn better ways of expression.
Learning From Our Anger
One of the good things about our presenting anger, of course, is it is a cue for our learning. When we lose control we have the opportunity to ask why we lost control.
Getting curious is a boon to our hope. We can learn how to respond better in future situations.
And when we honestly explore the rationale of our anger, we can begin to see where our relationships hinder us within. Where we are not allowed the scope of honest rapport, where there is a lack of trust or respect between two people, and we hide or put on our reactions, the anger that isn’t expressed builds up.
If we can learn about the circumstances in which we nurture our anger, especially where we don’t deal with it, we can build our awareness. When we try to help too much, or cannot help enough, or we try to be too nice, our extravagance of emotion comes boomeranging back. It is classic unconscious self-harm, usually because of a lack of interpersonal courage.
When we know we are most susceptible, because we are relating with people in awkward situations, we can prepare for ourselves a planned adjournment to deal with our building anger.
We deliberately offer ourselves grace. We ensure there is personal acknowledgement of the pressures we are dealing with. Then anger has a release.
We are vessels for both love and anger. When people frustrate us, yet we cannot tell them, anger builds up within us, creating anxiety and potential for the anger to spill over in uncontrolled ways. We are best to find safer expressions for our emotions.
Anger encroaches when we struggle to be honest with ourselves and others.
Being genuinely honest regarding our emotions within our relationships gives us power over uncontrolled anger. We are wise to prepare ourselves for the build-up of anger in troubling relationships. We are wise to find a safe release.
© 2012 S. J. Wickham.